“I and Thou” and “I and It” Relationships In A Leadership Context: Viewing Your Employees As Cogs Vs Humans
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A few days ago I was having lunch with my mom (something I’m trying to do more frequently now that I live 15 mins away from her). She’s one of the top therapists in the LA area and during lunch she was telling me about a class she is taking focused on Imago therapy which is a form couples therapy.
She mentioned that as a part of the class, she is doing some work based on Dr. Martin Buber and his theory of “I and Thou.” I thought it was interesting but didn’t really want to spend my lunch talking about relationship therapy concepts so I switched the subject.
The following day I was interviewing best-selling author Michael Bungay Stanier (episode will go live in the coming weeks). In preparing for that interview I took a look at some clips of Michael’s and was surprised when I stumbled across an interview he did where he also talks Martin Buber and “I and Thou,” what are the odds of that happening!?
Naturally I was intrigued and spent more time delving into Martin’s work.
Martin Buber was a Jewish philosopher who introduced the “I and Thou” (Ich und Du in German) concept in his 1923 book of the same name. The idea focuses on two primary modes of existence and ways of relating to the world and to other people: the “I-It” and the “I-Thou” which as you will see later is not just applicable in the world of therapy and relationships but also very relevant and applicable in leadership
- I-It: This mode is characterized by treating others as objects or means to an end. It’s a detached and objective way of relating to someone. For instance, in a business setting, if a manager views their employees merely as cogs in a machine who are expendable and replaceable, they are operating in the “I-It” mode.
- I-Thou: In contrast, the “I-Thou” relationship is one of deep connection and mutual respect. It’s a holistic and genuine encounter where both parties are fully present, recognizing the inherent worth and uniqueness of the other. A leader who takes the time to understand the aspirations, challenges, and strengths of their team members is embodying the “I-Thou” relationship.
The intriguing part is that an “I-Thou” relationship cannot possibly exist without vulnerability.
In the context of leadership the “I and Thou” concept can be seen as a framework for understanding how leaders relate to their teams, stakeholders, and even competitors and directly aligns with transactional and transformational leadership styles.
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Even though you may not be familiar with the concept of “I and Thou” I bet you are familiar with the concepts of transactional and transformational leadership.
Transactional Leadership (I-It): Many leaders operate primarily in the I-It mode. They see their team members as tools to achieve organizational goals such as hitting profit numbers. In this kind of a relationship employees are value for their productivity and efficiency, and interactions are often transactional. For many decades this was the primary way that organizations were run and it can be argued that it made logical sense since for the most part was required was a pair of hands instead of a brain that could generate new ideas.
Consider this quote from “Principles of Scientific Management,” which was published by Frederick Winslow Taylor in 1911.
Now one of the very first requirements for a man who is fit to handle pig iron as a regular occupation is that he shall be so stupid and so phlegmatic that he more nearly resembles in his mental make-up the ox than any other type. The man who is mentally alert and intelligent is for this very reason entirely unsuited to what would, for him, be the grinding monotony of work of this character. Therefore the workman who is best suited to handling pig iron is unable to understand the real science of doing this class of work. He is so stupid that the word “percentage” has no meaning to him, and he must consequently be trained by a man more intelligent than himself into the habit of working in accordance with the laws of this science before he can be successful.
Taylor views the worker handling pig iron not as a unique individual with intrinsic value (“Thou”), but as a tool or object (“It”) to be optimized for efficiency and productivity. The worker’s individuality, intelligence, and potential are completely ignored in favor of their utility for a specific task. Sadly, this approach still exists in many organizations today.
Transformational Leadership (I-Thou): Leaders who embrace the I-Thou philosophy engage with their teams in a more profound, authentic manner. Again, this is really where the concept of Leading With Vulnerability comes into play. They recognize the intrinsic value of each individual, fostering an environment of mutual respect and collaboration. A leader who prioritizes team, one-on-one mentoring sessions, and open feedback channels is leaning into the I-Thou approach.
Satya Nadella, the CEO of Microsoft is a good example of a leader who is practicing “I Thou.” Since taking the helm at Microsoft he has emphasized the importance of empathy in leadership. He believes in understanding the needs, aspirations, and emotions of both employees and customers. This approach has been credited with revitalizing Microsoft’s culture, leading to increased collaboration and innovation and thus massive growth.
Here are a few things you can start doing:
1. Practice Active Listening and Empathy: One of the foundational pillars of “I-Thou” relationships is the ability to genuinely connect with others, and this begins with active listening. Active listening is not just about hearing words but being fully present during conversations mentally and physically. It means avoiding interruptions, providing feedback, and seeking to deeply understand the speaker’s perspective. When combined with empathy, leaders can recognize and validate the inherent worth and feelings of others. To foster this, leaders should dedicate time for one-on-one conversations without distractions, ask open-ended questions to encourage deeper sharing, and regularly seek feedback. By validating and acknowledging the emotions and perspectives of others, even in disagreement, leaders can bridge gaps and build trust.
2. Prioritize Personal/Professional Growth and Self-awareness: For a leader to cultivate “I-Thou” relationships, they must first look inward. Understanding their strengths, weaknesses, perceptions, and how other people perceive them. Knowing your “default” mode of operation is an important and crucial aspect of self-awareness. Additionally, seeking candid feedback from peers, mentors, and team members can provide invaluable insights into your leadership style and what’s working and what isn’t. Whether it’s working with a coach, taking development courses, or participating in other training programs, being able constantly work on yourself is important, again, this is not possible without vulnerability since you need to acknowledge that you aren’t perfect.
3. Create a Culture of Mutual Respect and Authenticity: An environment that champions “I-Thou” relationships is one where individuals feel valued, respected, and safe to be their authentic selves. Leaders play a pivotal role in creating and nurturing such a culture within their teams and organizations. This involves celebrating individual achievements, recognizing the unique contributions of each team member, and promoting open dialogue. Creating safe spaces where team members can share their thoughts, concerns, and ideas without fear of retribution is essential. Moreover, leaders must lead by example. Authentic interactions, admitting mistakes, and showing vulnerability can set the tone for the entire organization. Implementing policies and practices that promote inclusivity, diversity, and mutual respect further solidifies the foundation for “I-Thou” relationships.
As a current or aspiring leader ask yourself what kinds of relationships you currently have at work and how you can focus on creating more “I and Thou” relationships.
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